11.01.05--11:51 p.m.

get up too early
after staying up too late
don't take a nap all day
so i wake up 20 minutes ago
not fresh from crashing
while watching law and order svu

11.02.05
(written 11.03.05--11:17 a.m.)

i set a schedule for today
so i can feel good
had eight hours of sleep
(though interrupted to pee out
the large amount of liquid i drink)
then i tested my blood
and the numbers look good to me
was headed into the shower
but basketball legend oscar robertson was on wfan
and i can't get it on the bathroom radio
so i ate breakfast instead
and listened
then i took my shower and got dressed
ran to my bank and a drug store
then bought myself some treats at the gristede's supermarket,
chips, salsa, orange diet rite soda,
and nestea decaffeinated, sugar free iced tea mix.
and then i headed back to my home office,
trying to get some work done.

11.03.05
(written 11.04.05--3:43 a.m.)

up too late
have to get this in order
on my bed working on my powerbook
have to get this in order
a train tomorrow at 3:03 p.m.
to go to see my niece michelle in another show
and see my folks
and maybe ian
and i'm figuring what time to set the alarm
to get adequate sleep
and get some work done
and not be fading when i see my folks.
’night.

11.04.05
(written 11.05.05--1:24 a.m.)

my dad asleep in his jeep
when i knock on its window
at the railroad station.
we start to talk right away
and he gets into a story
as we drive to home depot,
and then we park.

11.05.05
(written 11.06.05--4:13 a.m.)

my youngest niece was in phantom tonight
part of the community theater group
one of two children
in an adult production
she had no lines
and skipped on stage and off
this one uncle david
could've seen on video.

11.06.05
(written 11.07.05--12:57 a.m.)

we didn't have pancakes for breakfast with real vermont maple syrup
we didn't put together the racks for the garage
we didn't go to an afternoon movie
but mom and dad and me, we still had a good day

11.07.05
(written 11.08.05--12:23 a.m.)

i was going to wish you happy birthday today
but i kept forgetting until i realized it was the next day
it's been three years since we have
and to try and get it back
i don't know
i don't know how.

11.08.05
(written 11.09.05--1:54 a.m.)

after awaking
after crashing
while watching tv
i'm groggy
while i'm waiting
to go to bed for real
soon.

11.09.05
(written 11.10.05--2:23 a.m.)

i keep calling sean
every few hours
reminding him each time i do
that i'll be calling often
through thursday
when he arrives to work on his book
each reminder tinged in fear
that i'll be calling him so often
that he'll not want to talk anymore
though i know it makes no sense

11.10.05
(written 11.11.05--1:20 a.m.)

joke to my therapist
about my feet feeling numb
she's a little bit nervous
doesn't say anything
i tell her my podiatrist said
it's because of my diabetes
and he asked what my levels were
and i told him and he was happy
he thinks i'm eating too much sugar
and my nerve endings in my feet are reacting
i'm going to a nutritionist with diabetic knowledge
within the next few weeks
take my diet give it a little tweak
because i like my feet.

11.11.05
(written 11.13.05--5:02 a.m.)

sean shows up ’bout 10 a.m.
we go to the diner
before beginning his book's end.
a long day with short breaks
after each section of poems
he goes on the terrace and smokes
while i check my mail
it was a 14-hour day
save for meals and tiny breaks
and when we slept
we weren't done

11.12.05
(written 11.13.05--5:02 a.m.)

sean's book
99% done
i don't know how
it got there.

11.13.05
(written 11.14.05--4:01 p.m.)

more work on sean's book
the final stuff now
getting rid of the widows,
those last lines that are so small,
spell-checking
and then checking that we made the corrections
correctly.
tomorrow to fedex and email to the printer
and then it's out of my hands.

11.14.05--3:46 p.m.

i cried at bring it on again
not at the sequel bring it on again
but at the movie bring it on,
again.

11.15.05
(written 11.16.05--2:59 a.m.)

i hear the resignation in my dad's voice
not a resignation but a dead horse beating
and questioning continuing
thinking when i'll stop it
calm them.

11.16.05--11:31 p.m.

i made sure my big pot was clean
and a smaller pot, too
also my collander
and just boiled some water
threw in some ziti noodles
and heated up some marinara with mushrooms
i cooked, minimally,
grabbed some bread to soak up the sauce
and added more cold water to the lime water in my mets cup
and i went back
one time
and then back another
and i went back
and ate a handful of ziti
and later dipped some in the sauce pot.
i'm gonna put the rest away for lunch tomorrow.

11.17.05--11:39 p.m.

didn't want to go to therapy today
mainly because i'm broke
and every session i pay out of pocket to her
is money i don't have to live

but next time i see her is thanksgiving
so i won't be seeing her then
so if i start to skip
then two weeks from then
i will be skipping again.

11.18.05--11:19 p.m.

two-hour and 12-minute train ride
to my big brother's home
to feed his pets
to guard against a party
by my eldest niece.
"you won't have to worry about the pets,
your uncle david is going to stay over and take care of them,"
my brother tells her.
After her jaw dropped she said,
"The whole weekend?"
"Yes," he said.
"Nights, too?"
"Yes," he said.

11.19.05--9:16 p.m.

when do you become a parent
when a parent you've already been
when the hints and repercussions
are undeniably so
oh-oh

11.20.05
(written 11.22.05--11:22 a.m.)

in a movie biopic
the actors don't need to
look like who they are portraying
but you just can't have the hot reese witherspoon
portray the average looking june carter,
on top of having
reese and joaquin phoenix doing their own singing,
rather than lypsynching for
june and johnny cash.
every so often i forget
why i don't go to the movies.

11.21.05
(written 11.22.05--11:27 a.m.)

at the end of the two-hour and 24-minute long train ride
from the three nights in my brother's home
my apartment.

11.22.05--11:52 p.m.

about to eat canned pineapple chunks
i long ago deemed unkosher to me
not that they're unkosher,
it's just store brand pineapple chunks
with pineapple juice,
it's just that there's no kosher symbol
on the packaging
and my preference is to only bring items
with kosher symbols on them
into my home.
but i ate all the apple sauce in my home last night
and i want something sweet
and it'll take four hours to make jell-o
and that's too long right now.
hell, if unmarked,
but kosher ingredients packages
are good enough for my mom and my sister
then they're good enough for me,
at least while i need some pineapple tonight.

11.23.05--11:52 p.m.

eat some goobers
as my feet tingle
then drink a half-gallon of hawaiian punch
i'm almost
39 now
it's been a pretty good run.

11.24.05
(written 11.25.05--1:48 a.m.)

my nuclear family plus kids
was in the same room today
for the first time in i can't remember
even as i try
some things were good about this,
some things.

always on these gathering of family and friends
the person i talk to most is my childhood friend marci's
brother-in-law paul,
and always i am happy for this,
as today,
his first comment to me as i walk in the door and greet him,
were "how about the mets gettin' delgado?"

11.25.05
(written 11.26.05--1:32 a.m.)

my dad still thinks jimmy carter's president
the thermostat set at 65 degrees
i'm really freezing
he'll max it at 70

and tonight still a bit cold
as we three watch tv
i mention it to him
and he goes back almost 30 years to say
"go outside for five minutes,
then tell me how cold it is in here."

just before bed he makes us all pancakes,
with the vermont maple syrup he bought last time i was here
and helping him shop.
they were fluffier than any pancakes i've ever had.

11.26.05
(written 11.27.05--2:03 a.m.)

when joey lawrence became joseph lawrence
i became yours
string quartet playing white wedding
as you marched
and no one we knew knew.
it was a nice day
to start again.

11.27.05
(written 11.28.05--1:45 a.m.)

my level of tired may have influenced it
or maybe my parents' different cable channel lineup
but there's nothing on tv right now that i want to see
more than i want to fall asleep on the futon to sports radio 66 WFAN.

11.28.05
(written 11.29.05--1:11 a.m.)

alone in my parents' house
negotiating the two floors
the distance between the den and its tv downstairs
and the kitchen and its food upstairs
the kitchen tv locked to certain channels my mom is taping
all sorts of daytime talk and her soaps
only her soaps she watches each night
but this taping on the kitchen tv means
i can't watch gilmore girls at 10:30
because she's taping the tony danza show
so i hurry to prepare food to bring downstairs,
a coupla pizza bagels and some crystal light lemonade,
in time to re-see rory's first day at chilton.

11.29.05
(written 11.30.05--1:30 a.m.)

my cold's now worse
and i have no pills
no cough syrup
or lozenges
too lazy to get them
and this morning
carrying too much from holiday weekend
i go straight home
and suffer another day of cold.
tomorrow i must go out.

11.30.05--5:53 p.m.

(sing)

so vanessa marcil was married
for four years to corey feldman

and then she was engaged
to 90210's brian austin green
and the two had a kid
who they named kassius

but i still can't picture her
with corey feldman
i can't picture that at all.